probably sleepin

2012-01-21T11:04:00.001-05:00

Surrounded by joy and love this moment, I think about all those years I was anxious, awkward and ashamed of pieces of who I am. When I was a teenager, i was tormented, harassed, and bullied on a daily basis. Almost overnight I went from the fun loving, silly, popular guy in grammar school to a self-conscious, under-achieving loner who learned to keep anger and sorrow hidden all the way through high school. Today, as I live through my 39th year in this world, I feel a sense of inner peace. A calming ease in which I seem to glide through whatever life throws my way; like a seasoned ice skater floating across a frozen pond on a clear crisp evening under the stars.

It is joy, kindness and the unconditional love I've received from my mother, father, and brilliant friends I have in my life, that has allowed me to find the inner peace I have.

Take a moment and look around you....what do you have surrounding you at this moment? If it's not adding joy to your spirit..walk the other way.

2012-01-09T15:36:00.002-05:00

The Sountracks of My Life

I was on my way to dinner the other night, walking through the various train stations, climbing the mountainside of steps known as the 9th Street/4th Avenue R/F stop when I started to pump my legs up the steps to the beats of Drake and RIhanna's "Take Care"... pounding through my Dr. Dre beats headphones. I marched up those steps like I was about to walk out on stage to thousands of people sweating and crazed waiting for my arrival. When I got to the top of the steps and found a few cold and distant people standing around waiting for the F train it hit me...my life is filled with soundtracks....helping me weave and climb why way through this urban jungle. Usually I am playing something upbeat..helping me move to where I need to go. Using my long strides to leap like an antelope through the gray concrete and every shifting masses of people. Sometimes I'm on the train daydreaming through a ballad. Lip syncing to the song as if it's really me singing it...aware only of the next stop on the train and where I need to depart.
Music shapes and defines my day. Lately I've been creating these "live videos" as I like to call them now...with Mario Spinetti's new album. The album is a little over 30 minutes long...almost the exact time it takes me to walk from my apartment door to the train, take the train (2 trains exactly), to work, and walk up the steps to my office. Once I reach my desk, the album is over. The album takes me through an array of emotions...starting with joy, fun and love....moving through pain, heartache, and loss, and then finally to redemption, growth, and self-love. It's truly like a 30 minute pop/dance/musical therapy session and by the time I sit at my desk I feel more than ready to take on the day.
Music has always provided soundtracks for my soul. From as early as I can remember, music has been a force of energy that truly inhabits my spirit.

What's playing on your soundtrack today?

2011-12-22T19:27:00.000-05:00

Looking out into the ocean .... Im dreaming...in wonder with the massiveness of it all...how small am I...how small are we...how beautiful is the world...I'm in awe.

2008-06-13T18:30:00.001-04:00

Madness Lyrics

I've been most unwilling
To see this turmoil of mine
The thought of sitting with this
Has me paralyzed

With this prolonged exposure
To near and averted eyes
I think that I've been waiting
Such mileage for empathizing

Now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you're not in the room
Though I'd love to blame you for all
I'd miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird's eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

It's been all too easy
To cross my arms and roll my eyes
The thought of dropping all arms
Leaves me terrified
[Madness Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
And now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you're not in the room
Though I'd love to blame you for all
I'd miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird's eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

I'd have to give up knowing
And give up being right
You, inadvertent hero
You, angel in disguise

And now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
And now I know the madness lives on
When you're not in the room
And though I'd love to blame you for all
I'd miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird's eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

Alanis Morissette

This song touched me deeply. It represents where I am right now in life. Right Now. Awakening to Life's Purpose.

2007-09-20T21:17:00.003-04:00

Her voice through Him

Ever since my mother died, I've been able to communicate with her in different ways. A part of my garden is dedicated to her. I see her in my dreams. She came to me in the hospital when I was dying last year from a tonsillectomy gone bad. She put her hand on my shoulder one night when I was sitting at my computer. Every chance I get I speak to her. And each time is precious. The other night I went to hear my friend Mario Spinetti perform. He is an amazing singer/songwriter who I met recently through his girlfriend, Lauren Adams. Lauren is one of the most beautiful choreographers in the world. She created Moving Still, which I had the privilege of seeing. Moving Still starred Danny Tidwell and Travis Wall as well as several other breathtaking dancers. Danny Tidwell used one of Mario's songs, "Delirious", during one of his solos on So You Think You Can Dance. It was the first time I heard his voice and I was blown away. Since then, I have become a huge fan of his music and had the chance to hear him perform live 3 times. The last time I heard him perform was 2 nights ago. He did a set at Piano's here in the city. During his song "Hallelujah" (which he dedicated to me!!) the most amazing thing happened. I heard my mother's voice. I don't mean that I heard her voice in my head, or in the room. I actually heard her voice come through Mario while he sang "Hallelujah". And in that moment it was as if my mother was singing to me. Now, I have spoken to my mother before lots of times. But this was the first time that she was speaking to me since she died 2 years ago. It was the most beautiful experience and I feel blessed to have had it. Mario's music often makes me think of my mother but she spoke through him this time. And for the first time in over 2 years, I heard my mother's voice again. For anyone who has lost someone they love dearly, you know how upsetting it is to start to forget what they sounded like...what their voice was like. So being able to hear it again...LIVE..not on a tape or a video..but LIVE. I can't describe it other than to say pure joy. I've just started to process this so it's still very raw which is why I'm blogging about it. (If you haven't noticed already, this blog is very raw and emotional...just like me). I will cherish that moment forever and will be talking about it for a long time I'm sure. If you haven't heard Mario's music yet..please get off my blog site immediately and go to iTunes and search for Mario Spinetti. He just released his first EP and it's a beautiful taste of his brilliance. You can also go to his page at www.mariospinetti.com to listen to his music and learn more about him.
And to anyone who has lost someone and may believe that you will never hear from them again. You are wrong. You will. I just had to open up to it and let it happen.

(Here is a video I created for Mario using footage from Lauren's Moving Still starring Danny Tidwell and Travis Wall)

2007-08-29T13:11:00.001-04:00

Don't call the police for help

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had as a social worker. Over the past 7 years, I have seen alot. I have seen the ugly side of society, as well as the most beautiful side of humanity. My clients are a constant inspiration to me and others around them, even as they are disgarded and abused by the system.

Yesterday, I saw the worst of humanity. And it came from a cop. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the "heroes" of new york...the ones who are here to "serve and protect". Cops.

Many times I have called 911 asking for police assistance when one of my clients, who struggle with severe and persistant mental illnesses, need help getting to a hospital for psychiatric or medical treatment.

Yesterday, I called 911 to assist in the escorting of one of my clients to the hospital for psychiatric assessment. My client, who I've known for 5 years, is 50 years old and walks with a cane. When the cops arrived, I met with them downstairs to brief them on the situation. I told them that he was very much on edge although I was able to calm him. I explained that if they went into the office aggressively, he would respond aggressively. I specifically asked if the cops could try and be calm so not to increase the potential for violence.

They didn't. They went into the office in an aggressive manner. They yelled at my client, demanding that he "SIT DOWN"! He immediately lunged towards the male officer with his cane. It looked as if he struck the officer with his cane. The cops wrestled him to the ground, knocking over the watercooler in the process. The female cop maced him in the face and pinned him to the ground. At this point he was face down in a puddle of water from the cooler. His hands were behind his back and he was handcuffed.
I thought...ok that was bad but at least it's over. Well I was wrong.

Next thing I see is the male officer who was struck in the face with his cane starting kicking my 50 year mentally ill client in the back. HARD. Not once, but twice. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, he kicked him in the back of the head. Not once, but twice. He didn't stop until me and another staff member yelled for him to stop. Within a second of him stopping, i noticed the puddle of water on the floor turning red. When they picked up my client, he was bleeding from his head and mouth. There was a puddle of his blood on my office floor as well as blood that trailed behind him as they dragged him out like a dog.

I followed the cops downstairs to get their names and badge numbers and watched as they forcefully pushed him into the police van. After he was in the back of the van, the same male officer jumped over the seats and starting punching my client some more.

This was a handcuffed man, already bleeding, helpless in the back of a police van.

By no means am I excusing my client's participation in the altercation. He did strike the cop first. But they maced him, wrestled him to the ground and then beat him by kicking him like a dog. After they had subdued him. After.

Like I said, I have seen alot being a social worker who works with one of the neediest populations. But this was the most horrible, and most inhumane thing I have ever seen with my own 2 eyes.

After they left I was speechless. I spent the next few hours helping the clients who witnessed it process their feelings. I spoke to several supervisors and legal counsel about what we could do. While I was trying to calm the office, the female officer returned saying she needed his cane for evidence. I calmly asked her where she was taking him and she said "Jail...he assaulted a sargeant and that's a big deal". I reminded her that he was a psychiatric patient and needed psychiatric attention to which she laughed. She then intentionally tried to intimidate me by saying that it was MY FAULT since I had "made them come to the office". Again, I reminded her that I had simply called 911 for their assistance and went out of my way to brief them on the situation and the potential for violence. She then asked me if we had cameras in the office, which we don't but lord I wish we did! Then before she walked out, she looked at me and said in a nasty tone, "I will see you in court".

I will never trust a cop again. Never

So to all of you out there in cyberland who are reading this and saying...DUH...I get it now. I get it.

And if you happen to be a police officer and you are reading this...this is why people don't like you. This is why people don't trust you. This is why.

There is never a reason to beat someone up after you have restrained them. I explained to the 911 operator that he had the potential to become violent. I then went out of my way to explain to the responding officers what was happening. They didn't listen. And this is what happened.

The sargeant kicked a helpless man while he was down. In the back and in the head. Then continued to beat him in the police van.

A piece of humanity was chipped away at yesterday.

I did file a formal complaint against the cop for excessive force and I will keep you all updated on what happens next.

I am saddended though. Deeply saddended.

2007-04-09T17:34:00.000-04:00

barack obama.

the next president of the united states of america.

the audacity of hope.

the wings of peace.

he will change the course of our world.

one world.

one blood.

one love.

2007-03-04T08:05:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Mom

February 27th would have been my mother's 76th birthday. It has taken me until this moment to get enough strength to write something about that day. It was a hard one. She was born in 1931. It's amazing to me how much life she lived. Her childhood in the 30's, being a teenager during the 40's, a young adult in the 50's and 60's and becoming a mother in the 70's. I don't know how any of us survived the 80's, and the 90's are when I really started to appreciate and cherish my mother.
I didn't have enough time with her and I never got to know about my mother's life. She spent so much of her time focused on her children and her husband, I only heard a handful of stories about her own life. When she died I was faced with the fact that I would never get to hear those stories and have a deeper understanding of who my mother was. Even after she was given chest compressions at the hospital to get her heart beating again and I saw for the first time that she had a mastectomy, my father refused to tell me about her battle with brest cancer. Since then, I've rummaged through so many papers and personal documents of hers and read her medical charts from before I was born. That is when she had her mastectomy. So she was in remission for breast cancer throughout my entire life without me knowing a thing about it. It blows me away on so many levels. Not only was she able to hide her struggles from me (in order to protect me from being burdened she would say), she was a breast cancer survivor.
So today, as I remember my mother, I celebrate HER life...her struggles, her acheievments and her strength. She was the strongest, most loving person I've known and one day I hope to be able to share her story and honor her for the hero that she was.
Happy Birthday Mom.
I miss you.

2007-01-07T12:45:00.000-05:00

Barack Obama: The New Hope for America

I just finished reading Barack Obama's "The Audacity of Hope". I now feel a sense of hope that has been a long time gone for me. Since the Bush-hijaked 2000 "election" in America, I have felt extremely anxious about America's direction. A year after that criminal "election", I watched the WTC attacked and then collapse in my home city. I then watched as we started an illegal war in Iraq and began whittling away at our own civil rights. Our soldiers were torturing Iraqis. The American economy plundered. It seemed all over for Bush and then in 2004, he was really elected to serve 4 more years as the leader of the free world. I lost all hope. I felt that so many Americans were terrorized by the Bush administration's fear tactics, we were past the point of no return.
But there was one person during the 2004 presidential conventions that rose out of the dark and into the light. Barack Obama. It's one of those moments I think I will remember forever. Like most Americans, I had not heard of Senator Obama until the Democratic National Convention. He was the keynote speaker and brought a vitality to John Kerry's campaign that was not only exciting but necessary (since John Kerry sounds like a bored robot when he speaks). His speech was brilliant. Click here for the transcript of Barack Obama's Keynote Address at the 2004 Democratic Convention
Not only was it a breath of fresh air to hear an articulate politician speak, after 4 years of bumbling idiot Bush, but his hopeful words were inspirational. Barack spoke of an America we all want to live in. One that respects other nations and uses it's financial success to aid the world. One that uses its technological advances to make the world a better place to live for everyone, not to oppress and violently attack.
I truly believe that if we, as Americans, truly want change then we need Barack Obama to bring us back into the light. If you don't think it's possible, or that "he's not the one that's gonna win it" for the Democrats in 2008, let me offer this....
The more we believe he can and will be our next president...the more likely he will be.
In 2004, most of us believed passionately that our next president had to be "anyone but Bush". We focused so much of our negative energy towards Bush and what did we get? BUSH.
When it comes to energy, it doesn't discriminate positive or negative forces...you get what you put out there.
This time..let's focus all of our positive energy on someone who can truly change the course of America, its values, and its potential for the world. Barack Obama. We all can light the spark and fan the flames of change for the better. Barack Obama can carry us through the healing we all need.

2007-01-02T22:00:00.000-05:00

Moving Through

I've been having a hard day. I went to work today in a great mood. Ready to take on the day with my eyes wide open. I met a new client today who I am excited to work with. I had a great clinical session with another client of mine who I've worked with for 4 years and am seeing progress which is very cool. I even decided to go to a yoga class tonight, officially getting back to working out and "working in" on my body.
That's when it all came flowing out. During the final relaxation part of the yoga class, tears just started streaming down my face. I cried all the way through final relaxation for a good 15 minutes. At first I wasn't sure why and then on my way home from yoga it hit me.
I really miss my mother. I never thought that 18 months after my mother passed away, the pain of losing her would feel as raw as the day she died. On the way home I was listening to my ipod shuffle. I love the shuffle because you never know what song is coming next. It's always a nice surprise. Well, Mary's new song Reflections (I Remember) came on. It's such a brilliant little ditty....Mary can do no wrong in my book.....Anyway..everytime she sang "I remember", I thought about my mother. I started crying again but this time I was hysterical. I let it all come out right there on the A train. Bobbing my head to Mary and crying... It almost turned into that "ugly cry" where you just look a mess.
Alot of people say that after you lose someone you love, you learn to live with it and it gets "better".
I'm here to say..it doesn't just get better. It's fucking sad. And it's going to be sad for a long time. My mother isn't around anymore. I can't call her and wish her a happy New Year. I didn't get a xmas gift from her. I don't hear her reviews of all the new movies she saw. I don't get to hug her and tell her I love her. I don't get to tell her all my crazy social work stories. It sucks. And sometimes, when I think I'm having a great day...it creeps up and overtakes me. Like today. And when I have to cry...I cry. And boy do I cry.
I wanted to post this because I want people to realize that it's really hard to deal with death. Alot harder than I had expected.
Especially the death of a mother or father. My mother and I spoke everyday...EVERYDAY. And now I can't speak to her at all. Sure, I speak to her in my heart...I even have a space in my garden dedicated to her. But I can't just pick up the phone and tell her something silly from my day like I used to.
I have changed because of it. I feel sad more. I don't want to talk to people as much and find myself wanting time alone more than I used to. (If you know me, you may understand a little more about why I don't always answer the cellphone).
So..when you go out into the world tomorrow, try to be more patient with the people you interact with. Life is hard, and dealing with death can be overwhelming. You never know what everyone is going through so just be more patient. Thanks for listening.

2006-12-17T10:17:00.000-05:00

Dreamgirls
What a DREAM!

I saw Dreamgirls last night at the Zeigfeld Theater here in NYC. Surrounded by half of the homosexual population of NYC I anxiously sat in my seat waiting for the lights to go down. The energy was palpable in the theater. As most of us looked through the shiny 54 page Dreamgirls movie program we were handed when we entered the theater, I could hear comments about Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson swirling around me.
And then the moment came.
An announcer went to the front of the stage and welcomed everyone to the theater. People applauded. He reminded everyone there were no previews and the movie would start in a few minutes. People started settling into their seats and quieting down.
The lights went dim and everyone applauded again. I thought, this is going to be something!

The first few beats of music started and the audience went wild!! It was like we were all watching it happen live. There wasn't a song in the film that didn't get applause at the end of it.
(Well maybe that slow Jamie Foxx song 3/4 of the way through)

Anyway...Dreamgirls was absolutely breathtaking. The music, the fast paced story telling, and that Jennifer Hudson. I can't put into words how brilliant Jennifer Hudson is. I know that everyone who sees the film says something similar but it's 100% true.
From the moment she enters the film, the audience was hooting and hollaring about her! Not only did her voice knock you on your ass, but her acting was amazing!!
When she started the historic, "And I Am Telling You", i don't think anyone was breathing in the theater. And when she hit that last note (which she held for 11 seconds), the theater erupted into screams, cheers, and for most of us, a standing ovation for Ms. Hudson!! I have never been wathcing a film where I felt compelled to stand up in the theater and applaud a performance...in the middle of the film.

Now I don't want to pass over Beyonce. Although this is Jennifer Hudson's moment, Beyonce was great as well. Not once, did I feel like I was watching Beyonce. She got into her character and played it throughout. When she belted out "Listen" towards the end of the movie, and had her diva moment, I may have seen a sliver of Beyonce but only because I've heard the song on her album so many times. Beyonce had to play a quiet, NON-diva, which for a mega superstar can be almost immposible. (Watch any Madonna film where she is not playing herself or Evita)

But she did it. She is one of the most beautiful women in show business today. And any drag queen would die to wear anyone of the 100 outfits she was sporting in the film.

And then there was Danny Glover and Jamie Foxx who both served up their roles with grace and perfection.

But Eddie Murphy stole it from them like Ms. Hudson stole it from the other women in the film.
Eddie brought a level of energy to his role that brought the audience to its feet during the end credits and had us all screaming and applauding during the film.

This film is a MUST SEE for everyone. If you love the music, the story; if you want to be entertained, hear Beyonce and Ms. Hudson tear up the screen with their voices, or just be a part of some serious film history, get off my blog site now..go to moviefone.com and buy tickets to Dreamgirls. You will be very glad you did.

2006-11-22T07:32:00.001-05:00

I can't take it anymore.

2006-09-04T09:13:00.000-04:00

This man should be our next president!
2008 let's do this!

Barack Obama has dedicated his life to public service as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, and leader in the Illinois state Senate. Obama now continues his fight for working families following his recent election to the United States Senate.

Sworn into office January 4, 2005, Senator Obama is focused on promoting economic growth and bringing good paying jobs to Illinois. Obama serves on the important Environment and Public Works Committee, which oversees legislation and funding for the environment and public works projects throughout the country, including the national transportation bill. He also serves on the Veterans ’ Affairs Committee where he is focused on investigating the disability pay discrepancies that have left thousands of Illinois veterans without the benefits they earned. Senator Obama also serves on the Foreign Relations Committee.

During his seven years in the Illinois state Senate, Obama worked with both Democrats and Republicans to help working families get ahead by creating programs like the state Earned Income Tax Credit, which in three years provided over $100 million in tax cuts to families across the state. Obama also pushed through an expansion of early childhood education, and after a number of inmates on death row were found innocent, Senator Obama enlisted the support of law enforcement officials to draft legislation requiring the videotaping of interrogations and confessions in all capital cases.

Obama is especially proud of being a husband and father of two daughters, Malia, 8 and Sasha, 4. Obama and his wife, Michelle, married in 1992 and live on Chicago ’s South Side.

Barack Obama was born on August 4th, 1961, in Hawaii to Barack Obama, Sr. and Ann Dunham. Obama graduated from Columbia University in 1983, and moved to Chicago in 1985 to work for a church-based group seeking to improve living conditions in poor neighborhoods plagued with crime and high unemployment. In 1991, Obama graduated from Harvard Law School where he was the first African American editor of the Harvard Law Review.

Now after all that technical information...let's hear from the man himself!

2006-07-23T08:50:00.000-04:00

My recent trip to Maine.

There is nothing as spectacular as mother earth.

Untitled

2006-06-03T13:27:00.000-04:00

American Hypocrisy Alive and Well in Iraq

In Iraq, anger is building over the alleged killings of Iraqi civilians by U.S. forces. Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has condemned the deaths of two dozen civilians in Haditha last fall as "a horrible crime." In addition, seven U.S. Marines and a sailor could be charged with murder, kidnapping or conspiracy in connection with a single Iraqi death in April.Friday, the U.S. military confirmed that it was investigating a third incident -- and then late today a defense official said an internal review found no misconduct on the part of U.S. forces in that case.

When a group of people decide to go and kill innocent people in anger, Americans call that terrorism. But when the killers are American, then it's considered a part of war!?! THIS IS WHY PEOPLE HATE AMERICA. Because we make generalizations about other groups of people, then excuse our own behaviors even if they come from the same place.
Not only do these outrageous murders compound the US occupation in Iraq, but other soldiers who are trying to do what they believe is right, will now be in even more danger from retaliation.
It is America's own hypocrisy that puts us at risk for another terrorist attack. It's not that people hate freedom...im so sick of hearing that!!!

Until now, Iraqis have largely ignored the controversy over the alleged killing of unarmed civilians in Haditha by U.S. Marines last November. As for the second investigation, in which one Iraqi man was killed in the village of Hamandiya, west of Baghdad, most Iraqis have never even heard of the town, let alone the incident.But now there are at least three incidents in the news, and with each new set of allegations, the question of the treatment of Iraqi civilians at the hands of the U.S. military is getting more attention here -- especially at the highest levels.
Prime Minister Maliki has ordered an Iraqi investigation into the Haditha deaths, prompting a visit from the U.S. ambassador and the top American general in Iraq to assure Maliki that he would be kept informed.The latest incident to come into the news is from a village called Ishaqi, about 50 miles north of the capital. In mid-March, U.S. forces raided a house there, stating they were after a man suspected of supporting al-Qaida in Iraq, the terrorist group headed by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. The military said four people died when the house collapsed after a heavy firefight, and the suspect was arrested.U.S. officials confirm that they are investigating an incident in the town of Ishaqi north of Baghdad last March. Eleven Iraqis, including five children, were reportedly killed during a raid by U.S. troops aimed at capturing an al-Qaida militant.

2006-05-20T12:32:00.000-04:00

Mother's Day Everyday

Intense. Beautiful. Surreal. There are many adjectives I could use to describe how I felt on Mother's Day. I am still processing that day as it has become my everyday.

I never could have imagined the pain of losing my mother. I have thought about what it would feel like all through my adult years. My parents are 40+ years older than me. My mother struggled with osteoporosis for the past 20 years and I've seen the fragility of aging "gracefully". I've grown to cherish the knowledge and wisdom I've gained from having older parents. They both grew up at a time when people were humble and appreciative from struggle and sacrifice. I truly believe my soul has been shaped by my parents and their experience.

Back to Mother's Day. Even as I write I tend to wander away from thinking about it and memories of my mother flash through my mind.
I went to the cemetary on Mother's Day with freshly cut lilacs from her lilac tree in our backyard. My mother loved the color purple. It was very sad being at the cemetary to see my mother on Mother's Day. I knealt on the ground to be close to her and listened to my neice and nephew tell stories about their favorite memories of their grandmother. When it was my turn to say my favorite memory I told everyone that I have started to garden and cook which were my mother's favorite things to do. This way I am closer to her.
Mother's Day has always been my everyday. But it has usually brought me happiness and a sense of peace.
I talked to my mother almost every single day for the past 10 years. Whether it was about a new movie that came out or what crazy thing happened at work that day, she always brought me joy by the end of the conversation. My mother taught me about unconditional love and genuine spirit.
I do have peaceful moments where I smile with that spirit and feel blessed that I have those things from my mother, but dammit I miss her too. Yeah I know Im lucky to have had such an incredible mother and yes Im sure my mother would want me to be happy....well i also just want to talk to her again.
So Ive started to garden. The garden in the front of the house was chock full of weeds. A few trips to Lowe's and some solar powered copper lamps later and the garden is incredibly beautiful. I can celebrate Mother's Day everyday through my gardening. I planted a lot of different flowers and have a purple plant section near the back that will flower all the purple flowers for my mother. This way I can talk to her anytime I want. Just in a new way that connects genuine spirit, Mother Earth, and unconditional love.
I miss her so much.

2006-05-05T18:06:00.000-04:00

update....

the tonsils are finally healed!

so i haven't been so inclined to post anything new in a while; spending alot of my time trying to figure out ways to get Bush impeached....since lying, cheating, stealing, and causing the deaths of thousands upon thousands of american soldiers as well as 20,000 and counting innocent iraqi women and children isn't enough to get you impeached in America.

anyway, besides my time thinking about Bush and America...I have been making some videos. The politcal ones Ive made have been quite cathartic for me. There is another one coming soon to complete my Anti-Bush trilogy! Im planning on completing it this weekend so look out for it.

Other than that...ive been working...chilling...working..and chilling. I played baseball in the park with some clients the other day and it was really alot of fun. I haven't been physicial in a while so i woke up with pain...but good pain...the kind that reminds you that you have muscles that need to be worked out.

someday.

2006-04-09T13:01:00.000-04:00

Shocking new revelations -- more reasons to impeach Bush
More conspiracies, lies and crimes revealed

The growing nation-wide effort to impeach George W. Bush and Dick Cheney is emblematic of a larger issue: what kind of country is the United States to become.

Yesterday’s news brought out two explosive pieces of information:

1. Lewis Libby, the indicted chief aide to Dick Cheney, has admitted under oath before a Federal Grand Jury that it was George W. Bush himself who authorized Libby to illegally “leak” classified information to New York Times reporter Judith Miller in July, 2003 in an effort to discredit Ambassador Joseph Wilson who had publicly stated that “there is nothing to the story” that Saddam Hussein’s government was trying to buy uranium for a nuclear weapons program. Wilson is the husband of Valerie Plame, the undercover CIA operative whose identity was revealed to the media as retaliation for Wilson’s contention that Bush’s assertions about Iraq’s Weapons of Mass Destruction were false. The “classified information” that Bush and Cheney authorized Libby to plant in the New York Times turned out to be entirely false.

2. Bush’s Attorney General admitted yesterday that Bush believes that he has the authority to personally authorize the secret wiretapping, without any court order, of any and all conversations and emails between Americans that occur exclusively within the borders of the United States. Earlier it was revealed that Bush set up a massive secret wiretapping operation monitoring a huge number of Americans, but he had asserted that it was only to listen in on conversations of people in the United States who were making international calls and emails.

The fact that Bush has not already had articles of impeachment filed in the House of Representatives is clear evidence that the people must act forcefully as the true guardians of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. That is exactly what the ImpeachBush.org movement is doing. When impeachment looked remote, there were still tens of thousands of individuals who tirelessly worked to collect petitions, hold rallies, wrote and called members of Congress and donated so that we could place newspaper ads all across the country.
Today, impeachment is not remote at all. It reflects the majority sentiment. Recent polls show that by 52% to 43% majority the American people favor impeachment if it is proved that Bush lied about the reasons for going to war. A nearly similar majority support impeachment if the President broke Federal wiretapping laws by authorizing the secret wiretapping of Americans without a court order when there is no evidence or inquiry of criminal wrongdoing.
Yesterday’s revelations confirm again that this is a lawless administration. Impeachment is imperative. This is a challenge for every person in this country who has a commitment to the Constitution. The people must continue to act rather than wait for the politicians to lead.

2006-04-07T13:53:00.000-04:00

GEORGE W BUSH is a LIAR and a THREAT to NATIONAL SECURITY.
Now we find out that he approved the leak of sensative information that
threatened national security!!
THAT IS TREASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is a threat to our national security and should be sent to Guantanamo Bay IMMEDIATELY!!

Enough is Enough.
We need to all stand up against this and demand his arrest and life-long incarceration!

2006-03-31T16:09:00.000-05:00

I can't believe its actually happening!! The posters are up in the city!! It's going to happen very very soon! The Queen will be at Madison Square Garden June 28th and 29th for her Confessions on A Dance Floor Tour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suddenly Im feeling ALOT better. Tickets go on sale April 10th. Better save your money! Im sure it will not be cheap.

2006-03-21T20:09:00.000-05:00

tonsils

when i was a little boy i kept my tonsils. they stayed in the back of my throat minding their own business. they helped me maintain my own wellness, kept me warm on cold winter nights, and moved out of the way while I scarfed down all of my mom's amazing cooking.

then i grew up. they betrayed me. they started to get scratchy in the winter. they even throbbed on occasion and once in a while caused me a great deal of pain and heartache.

well i took matters into my own hands and decided to divorce my tonsils.
last week i went to the hospital and had them removed.
never could i have expected what happened next.....

i came home from the surgery feeling pretty down. i was in pain, couldn't speak, and knew that i had a good couple of weeks ahead of me of hardcore recovery.

i fell asleep and woke up every hour to sip on some cold water. around 1am in the morning i woke up feeling something strange in the back of my throat. it felt as if warm water was running down from my nose into my throat.

it took me a few minutes to wake up and i went straight to the bathroom to see what was going on in my mouth....well, i opened up my mouth and a bucket full of blood came rushing out into the sink.

i still remember my face in the mirror....it was that face you see in horror films when the dumb white girl walks into the closet to see what the noise was only to find a machete quickly coming towards her head....yea..not cute.

anyway...i started to panic and feel light headed...so i layed down on the couch trying to think about what i should do. i realized pretty quickly that the bleeding wasn't stopping so i ran upstairs to wake up my father and have him call 911.
of course as stubborn as he is, he hesitated thinking that we should try to call my doctor directly first....i screamed at him that i was dying and forced him to call for an ambulance.
(i would have done it myself, but bleeding from your throat, having trouble breathing, and calling 911 at the same time is somewhat difficult)

anyway, the ambulance came and gave me oxygen which made me feel better immediately. they rushed me to the hospital which is a good 15 minutes away from my dad's house. i think i passed out for a minute or so in the back of the ambulance but i don't really remember it.

when i got to the ER, i just remember laying in a bed in some backroom for hours holding onto the oxygen mask as if it was a beenie blanket for comfort. the nurse (a bitchy queen) kept telling me that i didn't need the oxygen but i kept the mask on because it seemed to be the only thing making me feel somewhat comfortable. (my feet stuck off the end of the bed which was annoying....aren't there other people who are 6ft4 that go to the hospital?)

i stayed in that room from 2am the morning after the surgery, until 1pm the next day, when they decided that i was in such bad shape that i should be moved to the acute ER across the hall.
i spoke to a doctor once or maybe twice in all that time.
the only way i found out how dire my situation was, was by getting up out of the bed to go to the bathroom...once i did that my heartrate shot up to 181 beats per minute and all these alarms went off which made the bitchy queen nurse and my doctor run into my room and demand that i get back in bed.

at that point, the doctor explained to me that i must have lost a great deal of blood and my body needed time to recover.
when i moved to the acute ER across the hall i lay in the bed from 1pm to 7pm just holding onto my oxygen mask. all i remember is one nurse who kept pointing at me and saying "he's really really sick...i mean really really sick". not what i needed to see or hear! so im pretty much panicking at this point feeling that i actually might not make it.

i closed my eyes and imagined myself on a beach somewhere laying in the sun. i was trying anything to make me feel better when all of a sudden my mother came to me. i mean she literally came right up to me, held my hand, and told me that i was going to be ok. she said i was going to make it and i didn't have to worry. she said that it was not my time to die. right at that second madonna's "Die Another Day" started up in my head. (for real)

ok..so finally i got a bed upstairs. the doctor decided that i needed to get 2 litres of blood to help boost my body's regeneration of blood becuase my blood test had shown a low hemoglobin level. a normal hemoglobin level is 14-16...mine was 8.6
once i got upstairs to my own room with peace and quiet i felt 100 times better. it felt like i was actually going to start healing.

the nurses were great upstairs, pampering me as much as they could and really going out of there way to make me feel comfortable.
they let my boyfriend stay overnight which was amazing. he actually drove down from Providence that night to stay with me. what a guy!
From 8pm until 3am the next morning i received 2 litres of blood. i watched the blood as it traveled from the bag into my arm with this huge smile on my face. i just thought how lucky i was that someone was so generous to share their blood with me.
i wondered what kind of person it was and if i was going to pick up any of their personality traits from the transfusion.

it also changed my feelings about giving blood. now you might ask..why would anyone have a problem with giving blood? well, that whole thing about being refused as a donor because you've had gay sex..is pretty ridiculous since all the blood is screened before it is accepted anyway and then screened again before it is transfused into someone else. besides gay sex doesn't make your blood dirty!! so sure..politically its ridiculous...but when you are laying there thinking you may die because you lost so much blood, all of that goes out the window.
so if i have to lie to get the red cross to accept my blood donations from now on. so be it. i will definitely be giving blood from now on.

once the blood transfusions were completed, i passed out! i had not slept for 24 hours and i was exhausted.

after checking my hemoglobin levels again (10.3) the doctor decided that i could go home and recover with lots of bed rest and relaxation.

i came back to my father's house and did just that. for the next 5 days i just sat around on the couch, watching lots of television. My favorite shows are Ellen, Starting Over, Martha, Judge Judy, Oprah, and all the crime dramas.
i also watched Flightplan which i LOVED and the Corpse Bride which was so adorable.

so monday came around...exactly one week after the orginal tonsillectomy. things seemed to be getting better. i had more energy, my throat seemed to really be healing, i could eat more normal foods. (Yes jello and ice cream get really boring after a few days).

i was talking to my friend on the phone and it happened again. i felt something warm in the back of my throat and i thought...oh JESUS...i told my friend that i thought i was bleeding again and i needed to get off the phone.
i ran to the bathroom and opened my mouth and guess what....there i was bleeding again!!!

this time i was not waiting around for anything...i called for my father and said lets go back to the hospital. i brought his cell phone and called my doctor from the car. he told me to meet him at the hospital ER.
when i got the ER, i was speaking to the receptionist who told me that she had just gotten her tonsils out and it took her 5 weeks to recover. she said it was a nightmare with so many complications that she wouldn't wish on anyone. (again with the bedside manner....hello...someone needs to teach people who work in hospitals to not freak out patients!)

they brought me right into the ER. i had stopped bleeding but they wanted to check my blood levels anyway to make sure i didn't lose too much blood since my body was already weakened in that area.
the ENT came to see me in the ER and decided that he wanted to take me over to his office in the next building and see if he could cauterize the area that was bleeding to hopefully prevent any further complications.
after he convinced the ER that he would bring me back...there was some beauracratic red tape thing that they were concerned about...i went to his office.
he sat me in the chair and began to cauterize the area. unfortunately the opposite happened. all of a sudden it started bleeding even heavier than it was before i got the ER.

the look on his face was "uh oh...we have a problem here". so i asked him what happened and he told me to go to the 3rd floor immediately. that is where the original tonsillectomy took place. i literally ran down to the 3rd floor and waited for the ENT to meet me there.

the receptionist there was confused and questioned why i was there. i explained to her what was happening and she told me that I needed to return to the ER. i told her that the ENT told me to meet him here and she said "i understand that but you need to go back to the ER". at this point i am pissed! here i am bleeding profusely from my throat for the 2nd time and some receptionist is telling me to go back to the beginning because the computer had me listed as an ER patient.
i didn't move. i told her i wasn't moving until my doctor met me here and told me what to do.
she called him on the phone and he told her to tell me to go to the ER.
i didn't believe her so i asked her to call him back so i could talk to him directly.
i did, and he told me to stay where i was!! when i told that to the receptionist she called in her supervisor. so here i was standing at her desk while she argued with her supervisor and 2 other doctors about which building i needed to be in.

HELLLO im bleeding to death here!! so i finally opened my mouth and spit some blood onto her desk and said " hey...im about to die...so could one of you figure out which room i need to go to NOW".

the visual seemed to work. before i could say "im gonna sue all of you", a wheelchair appeared next to me and i was being wheeled across the hospital to the OR where the ENT was preparing to operate again on my throat.

this time he was going to just stitch up all of the areas that seemed prone to bleeding. after completing yet another set of forms, and answering the same 50 questions i had been asked the last 2 times i was in the same hospital within the past week, they wheeled me into the OR and had me on the operating table.

as i started to doze off into la la land, my mother appeared to me again. she told me that i was going to be fine and made some joke about my need for attention that seemed pretty funny at the time. i think i actually laughed right before i went under anesthesia.

i woke up feeling really cold and in quite a bit of pain. at this point though i felt like nothing could freak me out. i had been through it and then some and i didn't really have a worry in the world.
a really sweet nurse, Dianne, came up to me and asked me how i felt. she said that i shouldn't hesitate to ask for morphine. (that's what i call great bedside manner!!)
i took her up on her offer and had her pump me full of morphine and valium.
what a day that was. or was it night? who knows

once i woke up enough i was transferred to another room where i stayed over night to make sure i was not going to bleed again. they also checked my hemoglobin levels...10.1.
so i did lose some blood but not too much.

i stayed overnight and dealt with some crappy nurses. eventually after giving me morphine, valium, and some benedryl i fell asleep. i think i slept for 4 hours and it felt like the best rest i had had in a long time.
that morning i woke up feeling that i was going to be ok.
i remember the nurse even commenting that i was so perky for someone who had been through what i had been through. i told her that i felt as if i had stared death in the face and made it through back to life. i couldn't be happier.

im now recovering back at my father's place. i had salmon and mashed potatoes yesterday which was so great. when you are restricted from food for so long, the simplest meal feels like heaven.

so this is my bottom line about tonsils.
if you have a child, or are planning on having a child...just get their tonsils out as soon as you can.

if you are an adult and are thinking about having your tonsils removed...DONT DO IT.
unless you get sick all the time, and you can't go on any longer with your sickly tonsils....just keep them. sure they are annoying and they can betray you as they did me... but no one should ever have to go through what i did over the past 10 days.

on the positive though...i do feel like i went through something horrible and have come out the other side stronger. we will see how much longer i will have to recover...but right now...today..i feel pretty good. and i am grateful for that much.

Please Dont Say Im Sorry

2006-03-04T14:59:00.000-05:00

Zeitgeist - Definition

A funny thing happened. A fellow blogger asked to put my Sorry video on his blog a few days ago. His blog seems to be a big contender in the bloggers paradise. Since then, approximately 3,000 people have viewed the video. ( plug alert plug alert....In case you haven't seen it....scroll down a bit and just hit play.)
Anyway. He introduces the video as ..." A short look at the current pop culture and political zeitgeist".
So of course I didn't know what a zeitgeist was...anyway, for anyone else who didn't know what that was...click on the Definition link. Blessed.

2006-02-22T07:10:00.000-05:00

Curling:

what is it? where did it come from? how do you play?
Curling, a precision sport similar to bowls or bocce, is played on ice with polished heavy stones. The level of precision and complex nature of the strategic thinking required to win in curling has led it to be referred to as "chess on ice."

http://www.curlingbasics.com/ (check out this site for basic curling information via animations)

http://www.nbcolympics.com/curling/index.html (check out current olympic curling information)

The voice of reason. The voice of truth. The voice of humanity.

2006-02-17T18:56:00.000-05:00

Annan: U.S. should shut Guantanamo

2006-02-05T14:45:00.000-05:00

pretty persuasion. wow.

Pretty Persuasion

2005-USA-Black Comedy/Teen Movie
N.Y. Times Review by Stephen Holden
Critic's Pick

Type: Features
Distributor: Samuel Goldwyn Films

Rating: NR
Running Time: 110 Minutes

Starring: Elisabeth Harnois, Jane Krakowski, Ron Livingston, James Woods, Evan Rachel Wood
Directed by: Marcos Siega

REVIEW SUMMARY

Kimberly Joyce (Evan Rachel Wood), the smirking 15-year-old alpha girl who spins a toxic web of lies and deceit in "Pretty Persuasion," is a screen monster worthy to stand beside Suzanne Stone, Nicole Kidman's fame-obsessed television weather reporter in "To Die For." In her upscale private high school, situated in the 90210 ZIP code that everyone loves to hate, Kimberly glides through the corridors like a malignant princess, oozing contempt as she tosses poisoned roses to her courtiers. An obscene, misanthropic go-for-broke satire, the movie is so gleefully nasty that the fact that it was even made and released is astonishing. Much of it is also extremely funny. The film's ingenious, far-fetched plot revolves around the touchy subject of sexual harassment in the classroom. Any satire worth its salt should not be afraid to offend, and "Pretty Persuasion," directed by Marcos Siega from a screenplay by Skander Halim, flings mud in all directions with a fearless audacity. — Stephen Holden, The New York Times » Read the Full N.Y. Times Review

ClicK her for some Pretty Madness!!

2006-01-30T07:26:00.000-05:00

How many lies until Bush has to GO?? It seems like the country has been living in a bubble of fear ever since the September 2001 attacks. Like a group coma. What if the attacks were allowed to happen for this very reason? Well, if so, we have sure let the basic civil liberties that America is grounded on to be manhandled by the Bush administration. We believe that once anyone says "matter of national security", we must all remain silent and just do what we are told. I saw the "Manchurian Candidate" last night and it reminded me of how things REALLY are here. Sure, the mass populas doesn't have small implants in their brains to make them zombies to the government....we just watch too much television. Well, i think its about time we all woke up! Question the government. There is nothing more patriotic than someone who questions their own government in an effort to preserve what is golden in America....our Constitution. Don't let fear take over your perception of right and wrong. The Bush administration has made a fool out of us for too long. Check out the following websites and catch up on how much this administration has lied to us and the world.

www.impeachpac.org
www.impeachbush.tv
www.impeachbush.org

2006-01-16T18:44:00.001-05:00

Never in my life did I imagine someone re-singing U2's song "One". Mary J. not only serves it up..she creates a new and IMPROVED song!! She is the ONLY one who could improve this song. N jOy Madanna serving up Mary serving up U2's One. (Check out how Mary sings over Bono into the very last breath of life of the song)

2006-01-05T17:57:00.000-05:00

http://www.fmep.org/analysis/articles/arik_ascherman_event.html

A very enlightening conversation about

Human Rights, Jewish Values, Security and Peace

..."If we get back to the negotiating table, we should not repeat the mistakes of the past. Palestinians must learn that violence destroys the peace process, and Israelis must understand, as the dominant military and economic power with control on the ground, using superior force to violate human rights is also destructive of the peace process."...

-Rabbi Arik Ascherman at a talk sponsored by the Foundation for Middle East and Americans for Peace Now in Washington on November 28, 2005

Arik Ascherman is the Executive Director of Rabbis for Human Rights, a rabbinic NGO based in Jerusalem that works to promote the human rights of Israeli Jews, Israeli Arabs, Palestinians and foreign workers. Since 1998, RHR has been active in challenging home demolitions, destruction of olive groves, economic injustice, and other human rights violations, as well as educating about Judaism and human rights.

2006-01-05T08:38:00.000-05:00

the breakthrough album. 5 stars-classic-masterpiece.

mary j blige has always represented the real raw sister girlfriend who will always tell you the truth no matter how crazy it is...allowing you, the listener, to immediately feel validated and honored... she is pure...organic....that tree limb that has been bent and battered by a storm coming back the next spring to grow new leaves and become even stronger.
well she has lived a LIFE. mary j is so correct that its wrong! For the first time we hear mary's voice through major processors and vocoder machines...which at first can be a little surprising and off-putting for true mary fans...but when added to her real gut wrenching voice.....oooh child..watch out!! mary gonna come and get u out that chair...throw you down on the ground...make you have a full on seizure like you found jesus....pick u up..throw you across the room and around again...100% pure lllllove. really though. she is it. she gots the spirits in her and she aint right.
make sure you download the iTunes version which has a hidden track "Show Love" that turns mary into Kelis after lots of therapy.

oh yea..so watch my new mary video....Aint Really Love

2006-01-03T09:26:00.001-05:00

The Buddha's essential functioning, the partriarchs' functioning essence, 
manifest without deliberation and acomplishes without hindrance. 
Manifesting without deliberation, its manifestation is intimate of itself. 
Accomplishing without hindrance, its accomplishement is realized of itself. 
Its manifestation, intimate of itself, has never been defiled. 
Its accomplishement, realized of itself, is neither absolute nor relative. 
The intimacy that is never defiled drops away without dependence. 
The realization that is neither absolute nor relative penetrates without intent. 
Clear water soaks into the earth; the fish swims like a fish. 
The sky is vast and penetrates the heavens; the bird flies like a bird.

2005-12-30T07:06:00.000-05:00

Someone I care about a great deal got stabbed in the head the other night. After some prompting he got himself to the hospital where he passed out, got sick, and underwent 2 hours of surgery to re-attach part of his ear. He made it through and is healing at home as I type. A group of kids surrounded him and attacked him. One of them videotaped the attack and is now showing that tape as a joke in the projects nearby. I really don't know what to say about all of this. It is still a shock to my system and I am trying to process all of it. I just ask that whoever is reading this post to spend just a little more time each day smiling, spreading love and joy to the people around you, ones you know and ones you don't. Because it is clear that there are too many people in this world who are so empty inside, that they think that stabbing someone in the head is funny. And you know what...its not funny....its sick.

2005-12-18T14:54:00.000-05:00

For decades, Western psychology has promised fulfillment through building and strengthening the ego. We are taught that the ideal is a strong, individuated self, constructed and reinforced over a lifetime. But Buddhist psychiatrist Mark Epstein has found a different way. Based on the premise that the Western notion of self is deeply flawed, Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart shows us that happiness doesn't come from any kind of acquisitiveness, be it material or psychological. Happiness comes from letting go.
Weaving together the accumulated wisdom of his two worlds--Buddhism and Western psychotherapy--Epstein shows how "the happiness that we seek depends on our ability to balance the ego's need to do with our inherent capacity to be." He encourages us to relax the ever-vigilant mind in order to experience the freedom that comes only from relinquishing control. Drawing on events in his own life and stories from his patients, Epstein leads us through a series of intimate and emotionally resonant chapters that explore key psychological and spiritual experiences such as emptiness, connection, passion, and relief. Highly personal and engaging, Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart teaches us that only by letting go can we start on the path to a more peaceful and spiritually satisfying life.

As a student of Buddhism and Buddhist theories, I find a reoccuring theme throuhgout most writings on the subject....and that is...RELAX!
I wonder what creates such a hypervigilant sense of self. Is it the American or Western culture? If so, what is it about our culture that leads to such a state? If not, what then?

This is a great book that will take you on a journey of self inquisition and introspection. And possibly leave you with a greater sense of peace and happiness.

2005-12-13T18:39:00.000-05:00

its finally here for all to see.
troy and madanna doing ray charles' night time is the right time.
if you haven't seen it yet...it is a classic.
styled by troy and filmed by madanna...its another troy/madanna MUST SEE!

ok ok ok..so its my own video, of course i love it. but on the real tho...i love making really good videos...so i do hope you enjoy...
share the love yo.
share the love.
-madanna
oh, click on the pic for the video :)

2005-12-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is working to clarify what the U.S. does, and does not do, with its prisoners. In Europe Wednesday, she said U.N. rules against torture apply to Americans even if they are outside the United States.

"Those obligations extend to U.S. personnel wherever they are, whether they are in the United States or outside of the United States," Rice said.

Rice spoke amid allegations about secret U.S. prisons -- and the grabbing of suspects abroad.

Her comments signal the Bush administration is moving closer to the position of Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), who is sponsoring legislation to outlaw cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment of prisoners or detainees. Vice President Dick Cheney has lobbied against the McCain amendment, saying it might hamper the war on terrorism.

Ok. Is it just me, or is Condaleeza Rice MORE evil than George W. Bush? To me, she is right on that axis of evil...right next to Dick Cheney who believes that torturing prisoners, most of whom are released as innocent (about 90% are released as innocent)...he truly believes that torturing innocent people HELPS the war on terrorism? WHAT!? I think thats called being a BULLY. Hey, im the vice president....I know how to stop people from hating us so much that they are willing to die in an attempt to harm us....let's TORTURE THEM!! idiots.

2005-12-03T20:35:00.000-05:00

Click on Madonna's red string to see the light!!
This has to be one of the most thrilling videos ive seen in a long time.
The water is serving it up throughout!

2005-11-28T23:09:00.000-05:00

I remember the first time I heard Madonna's "Die Another Day" and my heart felt as if it was beating to the beats of the song. It has this start/stop thing going on throughout that does something metaphysically to my chemical makeup. Whatever that is....man its fierce!
"I think I'll die another day...its not my time to go!"
Who says that?? well besides madonna.
By the way, if you haven't heard already...Madonna's "Hung Up" makes for her 36th top ten song. She is now tied with Elvis for the artist with the MOST top ten songs!
I mean if you are going to be obsessed with an artist, it may as well be the BEST!
Click the photo above and Enjoy the video

2005-11-18T06:59:00.001-05:00

troy. it was over 10 years ago that troy and i met. i was walking my dog Rain, and he asked me for a cigarette. the rest is history. troy is one of those forces that drives through the world with with a strength that can only be described as a life force. he has been by my side through more things than a Desperate Housewife who is Lost on Survivor. We have been in a total of 2 fights and get over them rather quickly. (i think the first fight we were in was over in 2 minutes)...and that involved police and me talking trash to them....anyway...i love him.

Madonna gets Back into the Groove

2005-11-14T23:31:00.000-05:00

TIME.com: Back into the Groove -- Nov. 21, 2005 -- Page 1

Untitled

2005-11-12T22:59:00.000-05:00

Coping with the death of loved ones

Summary: How to cope with the pain and negative emotions aroused when confronted by the death of people we love.

A student writes:

"Recently, my father has begun his dying process. It has been slow and quite painful for me and my family."

Lama Shenpen:

Thank you for your email and I am sorry to hear about your father and the pain you are in. Could you give us your father’s full name and we will put him on our dedication list here at the Hermitage.

By dedicating our punya (merit for good that we have done) and making pranidhanas (wishing prayers for the welfare of ourselves and/or others) for people we make a good, living connection for them with the Sangha and the path to Awakening - a heart connection that works through the power of adhistana ('blessing' drawing us to the truth and Awakening).

Have you read the booklet on death and dying advertised in the Newsletter? I think you may find this quite helpful.

Student:

"This situation has affected my meditation sessions and my daily awareness practice. Sometimes, I do not want to sit to meditate as I feel that I will spend the whole time crying or thinking about what can be done, or having strong negative emotions."

Lama Shenpen:

These are common experiences in such situations. At times when you feel very disturbed like this it is important not to have idealistic notions about how you should be, but try to just turn towards the actual situation in terms of your experience, just as it is, and remember this is the practice. It is enough just to do this, so be very kind to yourself.

Student:

"Even staying open around the dynamics of this time has become quite difficult. When I am alone and attempt to stay open, I feel a lot of fear and uncertainty and that does not feel good and I want to distract myself and close down. When I am with others, I am afraid of the anger that comes up."

Lama Shenpen:

If you do not feel open, if you feel a desperate despair and raging of emotions, it is important not to think 'I shouldn’t be feeling this, I should be calm, I should be open and relaxed'. Instead think, 'This is it. This is how we suffer at a time like this.” This is what the Buddha taught. He taught us the first thing to notice is the truth of suffering. It is inescapable as long as we attach to the idea of birth and death. It is inevitable as long as we have not Awakened from this dream or nightmare called life and death.

Notice the pain, the anxiety, the restlessness, the anger, the all-engulfing cry of 'No!' - all that you have described - as you notice it, rather than try to push it away, breath it into your heart together with this same suffering suffered by countless beings now, in the past and in the future and then suddenly, for a moment, switch and let it go as you connect for a moment to your deep and everlasting wish that you, yourself and all beings be freed from suffering like this forever. That wish is there always, so try to just suddenly connect with it and ride out with it on the outbreath.

This might just be enough to kick start a means of access to the power of your heart within you. Your heart is not just a tender place, a soft and warm spot where you feel love and compassion. It is also where your courage and strength are. It is where you can bear it all - even a broken heart. The heart doesn’t break but bears the pain and responds to it in the most genuine and appropriate way possible.

So do not try to cut off before your heart is touched - let it break and then just breath in that groundless, lost, desperate feeling of nothing meaning anything any more - or whatever the feeling is - breath in the whole experience, the physical feeling of it and how it feels mentally, emotionally and in one's heart. Breathe it in deeply so that gradually over time an appropriate response can bubble up on its own. You cannot predict what that will be or when it will come. But it will come because that is what the heart is all about.

Other than that, do things that help you relax and open up - this might be just to go out for walks, or even to do what might seem like distractions - but do them with the intention to help yourself relax. Of course ideally the practice or reading inspiring sayings of the Buddha, or mantras or prayers will have this effect - but if you cannot do things like this for more than a few moments at a time - just do them for a few moments at a time. Make pranidhanas, think of others around you and what you might do to make things easier for them, try to notice the times when there is nothing you can do and worrying is useless and try to let it go.

Whatever practice you can do, dedicate to your father to help him connect and remain on the path to Awakening. If you feel you can do very little right now, then make the resolve to practice and dedicate this for him in the future.

2005-11-11T11:16:00.000-05:00

we each can imagine how the world would be without war. can't we? im sure at least 50% of you who are reading this already rolled your eyes at the thought of peace. Why is that? Are we programmed to believe that violence is inevitable?
Everywhere you turn it seems as if the world is literally exploding. Surprisingly enough the first annual Human Security Report finds – despite evidence from Afghanistan to Iraq, Chechnya to Congo – that violent conflict around the world is declining. Can this be true?

Read this report - http://www.opendemocracy.net/conflict/report_2927.jsp##

2005-11-08T15:30:00.000-05:00

what is going on in the world today? are we so disconnected that we just sit by and allow for so much destruction and chaos? is this the natural process that we are destined to live out or do we have control of our fate?
everyone hates someone. nobody trusts anyone. is it all worth it? i guess we deserve it.

did you ever sit back and wonder what we are doing as a species? if i care am i too liberal? if i want others to prosper am i a traitor? do i have to change my name? will it get me far?

all i know as truth, is this....love is not just a four letter word. love is an act. it reaches beyond colors, borders, and currencies. love heals. love means believing in yourself. love is pure and powerful.
the more we love, the more we have.

2005-11-06T14:56:00.000-05:00

what a year. i lost my mother almost exactly 5 months ago and it feels as if i haven't fully accepted it. i don't even know if i have to accept it, or what that really means anyway. i have a restlessness that fills my days. i rarely speak about it and when i do my true feelings are masked behind a tasteless joke or sarcastic laughter. there is anger pushing itself into the sadness. is it bitterness? yes, i am definitely bitter about losing my mother. my mother was love. she taught me what unconditional love meant. she was the person who pushed me the most, who listened to me the most, who allowed me to be me...the most. i feel a void in myself without her phone calls and hugs and warm loving voice telling me how much she loves me. a part of me has been silent since she died. i spend alot of time sitting and thinking and crying and isolating from the world. i don't want to disconnect though....so I write.
this is the first time i've allowed myself to write about her. the end is starting to feel like the beginning.
hope.

2005-11-06T01:57:00.000-05:00

Daniel "Cloud" Campos:

Cloud was part of "Al Fuentes’ High Voltage Extreme Acrobatic Dance Team".
They combine high energy with extreme acrobatic moves, and breath-taking stunts - all choreographed to the strong rhythmatic beats of contemporary music.
Throughout most of the 2004 year, Cloud was with MADONNA's
Re-Invention Tour. The tour featured 56 shows, of which 55 were sellouts.
Cloud grew up in Adel. GA, but didn't always see eye-to-eye with his father about dancing. He moved to Orlando Florida and joined the High Voltage team, they tour up and down the country with their routines. Cloud is currently based in Los Angeles working on other ventures.
Why Cloud loves to perform: “I love being in front of an audience. I think entertaining people is one of the best feelings in the world. It gives me a ‘rush’ that I can’t find anywhere else.”
Cloud has won many Bboy contests in the past and has also done some modeling. Before rejoining Madonna he was with the Groovaloo show, review: In "A Father's Footsteps," Daniel "Cloud" Campos squeezes your heart as he relates through his dexterity the terrors of a brutal childhood. Paternally disowned, Campos battles his demons and emerges rejuvenated.

2005-11-05T20:04:00.000-05:00

Perception: What is reality?
Everyone must check out this website below. It has a really cool optical "illusion". Its all an illusion. There is so much confusion.

http://www.patmedia.net/marklevinson/cool/cool_illusion.html

2005-11-05T16:47:00.000-05:00

Grief. Loss. The pain can be so intense. Wrestling with your darkness. So important, yet so revolting. You know what I ming?

2005-11-05T14:44:00.000-05:00

"All i know is that after I heard Isaac for the first time, I feel like I completely turned into Kabbalah". So go most of the comments I heard that fateful afternoon listening to the leaked Madonna album, Confessions on A Dance Floor.
Spinning and dancing all around my apartment, feeling as if my pill had just kicked in, I could not contain the overwhelming feelings of bliss and nirvana. "She's back.....AGAIN", I thought. How does she do it?
Well, I'm going to tell you a secret.....